Listening to the conversation in a men’s group that I facilitate reminded me of the importance of balance in couple’s relationships.  The conversation revolved around their wives/partners and the division of labor at home.  As the discussion progressed, I was impressed to learn about the amount of effort each of them had expended or were still expending to support their wives.  In spite of his working full time and caring for the children, each man was taking on additional tasks to make her happy, to help her realize her dreams in the workplace or simply to give her time to take it easy.

A theme emerged that centered on the importance of balance in terms of individual contribution.  We discussed how relationships become unbalanced without agreement by both partners of how they both want things to be.  What was interesting about this conversation was the shared experience of each man in the group, that each of them had times in which they had fallen into a pattern of over pleasing their partner by over functioning.  The reason behind over functioning was one of quiet desperation.

The caring support that went around the room as they each related and agreed that what caused them to do the bulk the house work, cooking, parenting for long stretches was done in order to avoid conflict.  They each believed that by avoiding an argument they would keep the peace and life would roll along merrily – clearly that was not actually happening.

Words press deeply into me when I hear a person share the ways they go about attempting to achieve peace at any price.  Who is this really helping?  Does this build a system of mutual respect, kindness and safety?  Does it model a relationship for kids to emulate?  Is anyone actually being helped or are people just repressing their desires. 

I think couples lose opportunities to learn together more effective ways of behaving if they repress their true feelings and needs.  The meaning each partner attributes to theirs or another’s behavior is important to understand.  Couples often make meaning of things differently from one another without realizing it.  “Making meaning” implies that we each have data going into our brains, what I like to call our our meaning making machines, from there we attribute meaning to situations.

Couples with a shared meaning system are able to share their sense of purpose, the meaning of how they move through time together, their priorities and values, what they hold to be sacred, their goals and missions, their ethics, morality, philosophy of life and religion and their legacy from their families and cultures in order for them to build a unique shared core understanding to their lives.

Relationships are improved by building and maintaining secure attachment through positive feelings towards one another.  This needs to be a focus of the relationship through receptivity towards one another when emotional connection is sought.  Building positive emotions towards one another through courtship, romance, lust, sex, play, fun and adventure* helps build a shared meaning system.

*Work of Gottman marital research

Laura J. Halford, CDP, LMHC